Thanks for the Vote of Confidence, I Think...

I've been pondering James chapter 1 a lot in recent weeks. The idea that you should rejoice in trials and temptations for the opportunity to grow spiritually is very difficult to embrace when you are actually in the thick of it. Don't get me wrong. I'm in a much different place today then I was a month ago, and yes it is a better place, (and no I didn't take a Xanex, today, Dick.) where I can see things I didn't before, understand a lot more, but I am still confounded by the woman in my life.

I'm gonna get mushy here, so bear with me.

My wife has the brightest spirit I know. She's has always had this bright light shining from inside here, and it damn near blinded me when I first really saw her. Years of me not reconginzing and dealing with the demons that have haunted me made me do everything but treat her right. That kind of damage takes its toll. A month ago, I was asked to leave my home. I refused. At the same time, I found my way to a particularly insightful tome, partook of it, and let God pick me up by the scruff of my neck, smack me around a few times with a clue bat, and say "Do I have your attention now, Son? Good. Let's talk for a while." And we have. And I have been studying, and talking with my wife, having real conersations. Some good, some not so good, some downright discouraging. She isn't asking me to leave anymore. I think the best way to describe her current feelings, based on a lot of what has come out in our conversations is hurt, angry, and conflicted. I pray with her daily. I pray for her daily. We've had some fun moments. We've had some nice moments. We've had some wonderful moments, and we've had some very HARD moments lately. I have heard her say some things that make me wish that speeding bus I imagine behind me would just run me over. But the difference is that I don't avoid those confrontations any longer. I don't want to. I realize now that no matter how painful it might be to talk to her about some of these things, and believe me, painful is simply a generic term to get through this sentance, I would rather be having this pain, gutting it out with her, taking ownership of this mess I helped to make, and rebuilding this marriage, brick by back-breaking brick, than to be without her. I know God brought us together. She's told me (recently) that she believes the same. It can't be just to leave behind two very wounded people, and two boys who would never really recover from what that would do to them. And so I fight. So I change. So I seek understanding, and engage, rather than withdraw when faced with conflict. It isn't easy. My trip to the doctor yesterday confirmed this. Don't even ask about my blood pressure. This is the biggest battle of my life, and I am working on at least five different things every day. Anxiety is the least of my troubles. But she is worth it. My eyes have been opened to the possibilities, and I know now that we can be so much more---live out loud, and that is why I don't just get up everyday, but I catch myself smiling, for no apparent reason at all. I guess it is a vote of confidence that I can handle it, straight from the guy upstairs. In weaker moments, I think a little less confidence would be nice. But I know better.

Sorry if that is too Al Gore for you, Dick. It is the truth, and it is very much on my mind. Even when I sleep.