Hell On Earth

I took some probate documents to court this afternoon to start a new estate that came into our office this week. The process is usually pretty simple. File the Petition, go downstairs to the exparte commissioner, give the Will, Order and a copy of the Petition to the clerk, sit down, and wait until your case is called.

I forgot that Friday afternoon is pro se divorce Hell.

Wave after wave of people representing themselves, who have been completely incapable of following the simplest directions in filling out the paperwork, failing to serve the now-despised spouse (I kid you not. One guy actually said "What do you mean? I have to tell that b***ch what I am doing?")

I didn't envy that pro tem commissioner one little bit.
I hated divorce cases when I had to do them for a living. I still hate them. And I got to sit through 11 of them this afternoon. All I could think is that there are way too many people with no fricking concept of what a commitment is. I drove the long way back to my office, with the windows down, and the radio up. I still feel like I need a mental shower. Yeeeccchhh!

What Y'all REALLY Want

Let it not be said that I don't pay attention to my readers.

I post fiction. I get cricket chirp.

I post musings on why the Chinese have it in for people born in the same twelve year cycle as me, the conversation turns to music. Fine. You want it, you got it.

Today's Topics:

1. Best Bands Everyone Has Heard Of;

2. Best Bands No One Has Heard Of.

I'll start. 1. U2, The Rolling Stones, Steely Dan. 2. Blue Rodeo, The Cowboy Junkies, The BoDeans, The Rainmakers.

Now you try.

A Paid Political Announcement

Yeah, I know you read this for fun, but let's face it. The economy sucks and is getting worse, and a guy has to make a buck where he can these days. BTW, the news stories are true. This guy has raised a pile of cash. Enough to make me put aside my principals and publish his ad.

My fellow Identity-Americans.

As your future president I want to thank my supporters, for their... well, support.

Your mindless support of me, despite my complete lack of any legislative achievement, my pastor's relations with Louis Farrakhan and Libyan dictator Moamar Quadafi, or my blatantly leftist voting record while I present myself as some sort of bi-partisan agent of change.

I also like how my supporters claim my youthful drug use and criminal behaviour somehow qualifies me for the Presidency after 8 years of claiming Bush's youthful drinking disqualifies him. Your hypocrisy is a beacon of hope shining over a sea of political posing.

I would also like to thank the Kennedys for coming out in support of me. There's a lot of glamour behind the Kennedy name, even though JFK started the Vietnam War, his brother Robert illegally wiretapped Martin Luther King Jr. and Teddy killed a teenage girl. And I'm not going anywhere near the cousins, both literally and figuratively.

And I'd like to thank Oprah Winfrey for her support.

Her love of meaningless empty platitudes will be the force that propels me to the White House.

Americans should vote for me, not because of my lack of experience or achievement, but because I make people feel good. Voting for me causes some white folk to feel relieved of their imagined, racist guilt.

I say things that sound meaningful, but don't really mean anything because Americans are tired of things having meaning. If things have meaning, then that means you have to think about them.

Americans are tired of thinking.

It's time to shut down the brain, and open up the heart.

So when you go to vote in the primaries, remember don't think, just do.

And do it for me.

Thank You.

Barack H. Obama

What Do They Know, Anyway?

I took Heir No. One to the Blue and Gold Banquet last night for cub scouts. On the tables, they had the placemats from chinese restaurants...the ones that show the Chinese Zodiac. I was reading mine.

The Boar: Noble and chivalrous. Your friends will be lifelong. You are prone to marital strife. Most compatible with a sheep.

"You are prone to marital strife?"
What the hell did I do to deserve that? Really?

My survey of the other signs showed that no one else gets saddled with that particular gem. What the heck? Do they hate me because I'm tall? Because I was fortunate enough to be born here? I just don't understand this. I like Chinese food. I don't badmouth their people. Their government sucks, but it isn't mine...at least not until the Obamessiah is anointed President, so why the heck did they dump this crap on me?

Its Baaaccckk!

Last year, I really got hooked on Jericho. I was pissed when I heard they cancelled it. I was happy when I heard that they brought it back. I wasn't sure how they would resolve the mess in the last episode.

They did, and like very little on TV, I actually give a damn what happens to the characters...it isn't just fascinating in a train wreck sort of way. If you haven't watched it and you have Comcast On Demand, check it out. It is that good.

No, I didn't die or go on vacation...

It's called "Life" and "Work",and sometimes, it can be a real crush.

The good news: Work is real busy again. The economy takes a downturn, and people start deciding to sue each other.

The bad news: Work is real busy again.

Anyway, there were two news stories that caught my eye today.

1. TB cases on the rise again. The WHO is on the front lines of this battle. If memory serves, they're part of the UN. Yippee Skippy, we're all gonna die.

2. Music journalists are just as lazy and as unaccountable as other journalists. What a surprise.
I guess he isn't getting any tickets for the upcoming tour. Twit.

and as a bonus:

Valerie Bertinelli found it necessary to announce her infidelity to the world. Remember when it was about shame rather than a badge of honor? Really. I mean, is this part of some new sick and twisted 12-step process? Philanderer's Public? "Hi. My name is Valerie. I'm a B-list celebrity and I cheated on my rock star ex-husband."

Kinda hard to teach your kids the difference between right and wrong when people in the spotlight seem to revel in things that were once frowned on.

The Count Has A Post This Morning That You Should Read and Memorize...

...so when the next "Hate America First" nutjob starts self-flagelating in your general vicinity, you can educate them. Go check it out.

I Saw This At Fyreman's Place...

...and thought I'd give it a whirl.

Star Wars Horoscope for Sagittarius

You are superbly wise and have been known to spread your wisdom widely. You are impatient and pushy when people take your teachings too lightly. And your philosophical side always peeks through. Star wars character you are most like: Yoda

What Is Your Star Wars Horoscope?

Flattering, but wrong. If I'm so cute and cuddly, then I'm clearly not doing something right.

I Got Tagged

Apparently April wants me to post five true facts about myself. Of course, it was a little light on directions. It didn't say to post five interesting facts about myself.

Here goes:

1. I attended both a Big Ten and a Pac Ten School.

2. I was an intern in the Canadian House of Commons in the summer of 1993.

3. I have been on television more than once.

4. I used to collect comic books (so yeah, I know the difference between Jack Kirby and Steve Ditko).

5. I lived Animal House (except for the dead horse in the Dean's office, and anarchy at the parade).

Sounds Like A Great Idea To Me!

I saw this story at MSN when checking the email. This is a plan I'm 100% in favor of. Maybe I should send it to my pastor?

For the love of God, get it on!
Pastor tells married couples to make time for hanky-panky every day
updated 7:47 p.m. PT, Mon., Feb. 18, 2008
YBOR CITY, Fla. - A southwest Florida church issued a challenge for its married members this past Sunday: Hanky-panky every day. Relevant Church head pastor Paul Wirth says the 50 percent divorce rate was the catalyst for The 30-Day Sex Challenge.

"And that's no different for people who attend church," Wirth said. "Sometimes life gets in the way. Our jobs get in the way."

Oh, and the flip side of the challenge? No rolling in the sheets for the unwed.

Church member Tim Jones and his fiancée agreed to take on the challenge, though he acknowledges it'll be a tough month. But he added: "I think it's worth trying to find out other things about each other."

Now the question is how to get it successfully implemented.

Coming Soon to a Tax Court Near Me...

...Me! I got my US Tax Court bar number in today's mail. Yet another set of court rules to learn. And I am filing a petition soon.

I Don't Know...

...if it is sinuses, adjustment, or fatigue, but my eyes hurt.

I looked for the audio file and couldn't find it...

***UPDATED***

Mrs. BiW found the audio file (Hat tip, smooches, and a half hour foot rub to you, my love! XOXOXOXOXOXO!)

Go here: and scroll about a third of the way down the page to "When homosexuality and stupidity collide, you get"


...which is too bad, because it was the funniest thing I ever heard. The broadcaster had to stop more than once just because he started laughing so hard. However, here is the text, just as a buddy of mine emailed to me in 1999:

From a news conference held by a hospital in Salt Lake City.

"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only
trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told the bemused doctors
in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital.

Tomaszewski, and his homosexual partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had been
admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone
seriously wrong. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped
Raggot (our gerbil) in," he explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted out
'Armageddon', my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but
he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match,
thinking the light might attract him."

At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what
happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and flame
shot out the tube, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning
his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn
ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the
rodent out like a cannonball." Tomaszewski suffered second-degree burns
and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered
first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.

(Addendum from the original author:)

Okay, here are the top ten things that scared me the most in reading
this story.

10. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum..." Argh!

9. "So I peered into the tube..." Err - I'm sorry, but that's like
looking through a telescope into hell. I'd rather use binoculars to
stare at the sun.

8. That poor gerbil (who obviously suffers from low self-esteem) being shot
out of the guy's anus like Rocky the Flying Squirrel on Rocky and
Bullwinkle.

7. Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched out of someone's
anus. I'm just guessing, but I seriously doubt said gerbil was
springtime fresh after his little journey into Kiki's "tunnel of love."

6. People walking around with these volcanic like pockets of gas in their
rectums.

5. People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they were doing
when taken to the emergency room. Sorry, but I think I would have
made up a story about a gang of roving, pyromaniac, anal sex fiends
breaking into my house and sodomising me with a charcoal lighter
before I admitted the truth. Call me old fashioned, but I can't
imagine looking at a doctor and saying "Well doc, it's like this. See
we have this gerbil named Raggot and we took this cardboard tube..."

4. "First and second degree burns to the anus." Wouldn't this make the
burning itch and discomfort of haemorrhoids a welcome relief? How
does one ever take a healthy poop after something like this? And the
smell of burning anus must be in the top five most horrible scents on
the face of God's green earth.

3. People named "Kiki" which is obviously a Polynesian word for "Idiot
white men who insert rodents up their butts."

2. What kind of hospital would hold a press conference on this?

1. This happened in Salt Lake City. What kind of people are those
Mormons? I'm starting to get a whole new image of the Osmond family.

I'm sure this wasn't an accident.

Russians buzzing a U.S. Aircraft carrier?

Yeah, I'm sure they just got "off course" a little. Maybe someone should have tested their swimming gear.

A referral

Admiral has a funny list posted. Go over there and read it.


Go. Shoo.

No, That Isn't A Banana In My Pocket...

But I AM happy to see it. The 2009 Dodge Challenger.

Now, how do I come up with the 38K to buy it and the green to keep it in gas?

Stupidity...America's Greatest Renewable Resource

I stooped low enough to start an argument at Folly's site with an acolyte of Teh Stoopid (tm). I really couldn't help myself. The genius actually called Juan McVain a neocon. When I reminded him that McVain still is a liberal and not a "former" liberal, as evidenced by his voting record, I got the tired and predictable response "Bu$Hiraq"?

We need to start praying for this country, because if we leave the voting to one-person brain trusts like "Dean", then we have about three years remaining to us as a nation.

Sorry about the blood on the carpet, Folly. Some people are too thought-challenged to live. I wonder who reminds him to breathe?

Stuff

For those who come by regularly, I apologize. Electoral apathy, a possible sinus infection, a chapter for the novel that doesn't seem to be coalescing and the worst fatigue I have felt in a very long time are all weighing heavily on my knitted brow. The result is a distinct lack of ambition to post anything worth typing. Hopefully we will return to our regularly scheduled programming.

This DID surprise me.

Stolen from Tall Cool Drink Of Water:

Which Great US President Are You Most Like? created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as Ronald Reagan 40th President, in office from 1981-1989 Born: 1911 Died: 2004 Ronald Reagan 79% Dwight Eisenhower 69% Franklin Roosevelt 64% Abraham Lincoln 62% Theodore Roosevelt 59% John Kennedy 59% George Washington 55% Thomas Jefferson 55% Harry Truman 43% Woodrow Wilson 43% Lyndon Johnson 38%

New Quiz

I saw this over at the Cigar Intelligence Agency. I was hoping for an A-10. That is a SCARY aircraft.


I'll take it.

What military aircraft are you? F-15 Eagle You are an F-15. Your record in combat is spotless; you've never been defeated. You possess good looks, but are not flashy about it. You prefer to let your reputation do the talking. You are fast, agile, and loud, but reaching the end of your stardom.

Click Here to Take This Quiz Brought to you by YouThink.com quizzes and personality tests.