I looked for the audio file and couldn't find it...

***UPDATED***

Mrs. BiW found the audio file (Hat tip, smooches, and a half hour foot rub to you, my love! XOXOXOXOXOXO!)

Go here: and scroll about a third of the way down the page to "When homosexuality and stupidity collide, you get"


...which is too bad, because it was the funniest thing I ever heard. The broadcaster had to stop more than once just because he started laughing so hard. However, here is the text, just as a buddy of mine emailed to me in 1999:

From a news conference held by a hospital in Salt Lake City.

"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only
trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told the bemused doctors
in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital.

Tomaszewski, and his homosexual partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had been
admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone
seriously wrong. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped
Raggot (our gerbil) in," he explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted out
'Armageddon', my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but
he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match,
thinking the light might attract him."

At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what
happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and flame
shot out the tube, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning
his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn
ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the
rodent out like a cannonball." Tomaszewski suffered second-degree burns
and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered
first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.

(Addendum from the original author:)

Okay, here are the top ten things that scared me the most in reading
this story.

10. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum..." Argh!

9. "So I peered into the tube..." Err - I'm sorry, but that's like
looking through a telescope into hell. I'd rather use binoculars to
stare at the sun.

8. That poor gerbil (who obviously suffers from low self-esteem) being shot
out of the guy's anus like Rocky the Flying Squirrel on Rocky and
Bullwinkle.

7. Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched out of someone's
anus. I'm just guessing, but I seriously doubt said gerbil was
springtime fresh after his little journey into Kiki's "tunnel of love."

6. People walking around with these volcanic like pockets of gas in their
rectums.

5. People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they were doing
when taken to the emergency room. Sorry, but I think I would have
made up a story about a gang of roving, pyromaniac, anal sex fiends
breaking into my house and sodomising me with a charcoal lighter
before I admitted the truth. Call me old fashioned, but I can't
imagine looking at a doctor and saying "Well doc, it's like this. See
we have this gerbil named Raggot and we took this cardboard tube..."

4. "First and second degree burns to the anus." Wouldn't this make the
burning itch and discomfort of haemorrhoids a welcome relief? How
does one ever take a healthy poop after something like this? And the
smell of burning anus must be in the top five most horrible scents on
the face of God's green earth.

3. People named "Kiki" which is obviously a Polynesian word for "Idiot
white men who insert rodents up their butts."

2. What kind of hospital would hold a press conference on this?

1. This happened in Salt Lake City. What kind of people are those
Mormons? I'm starting to get a whole new image of the Osmond family.