Darkness, shadows, and darker urges kept repressed

The background noise in my brain has been preoccupied with thoughts of this nature lately. Yeah, I have a dark side. One that I have kept at bay most of my life, and has only gotten indulged by some of the gamesmanship of my profession and vicarious visuals in films and television. I don't know if I have lightened up in my old age, or if I have simply distilled it into areas most near and dear to me. By this I mean that I truly am an easygoing guy, maybe quicker to laugh than I have been in the past, and even more frightening, prone to smile for no reason at all of late. And that's all fine. You may never see my other face...unless you do something to threaten those whom I love, namely, my beloved and long-suffering wife, or either of my boys. If you present a real threat to any of them, you better pray for a miracle, because only God will be able to save you. If you actually hurt them, well, the term "treble damages" may take on a whole new meaning.

I'm starting to think that it is a very good thing I never gave free reign to my base impulses, but I'm also of a mind that it is good to have them, in case they are ever needed. Someone near and dear to me recently asked what I might be doing if I was not a husband or a father, and I could have done whatever I wanted. While slightly offended at the implication that I didn't want to be a husband and father, I set to work thinking about it, since I didn't have a ready answer. After months of considering the question, I realized that the answer was startling, and an opportunity to be thankful for the healing power of a loving wife and children in my life. The answer? "I would likely be doing very distasteful and awful things for our government, and enjoying my work." Like the nameless assassin in "Serenity" kind of work.

Thank you Iffintchka, for your love, the introduction you made on that night so many years ago, and for bearing two wonderful sons to us. Without the three of you, I'm quite sure that my soul would be blood soaked beyond redemption by this time. I thought about this last night while watching "The Shadow", in the scene when Margo asked to look into Lamont's eyes after she figured out he was The Shadow, and he replied "You can look, but you won't like what you see." I'm glad I have never had to say that. I have, on occasion, had to quote St. Garibaldi's famous line "I can dream real dark." It is why I prefer the dreamless sleep I have most nights.