No Pain, No Gain.

I understand that pain generally is a component of spiritual growth, and feel like have been doing a lot of growing, but I'm starting to have my moments where despite faith and praising thankfulness, I feel like I just might crack. I feel like I have been living James chapter 1 for over a year now. If anything I trust God more, even though things seem to be getting worse. I simply cannot let go of the idea that things are the way they are for a reason, and the reason wasn't so only the difficulties are there, but that there would be something better...the blooms after the flood, the green after the fire, things of that nature. I believe that God has always intended something better, and that part of the reason for the landscape I reside in for the moment is the lack of faith, trust, and obedience I had in him earlier in my life. That doesn't mean he is done, but all actions have consequences, and I may not be done receiving mine. The trick is recognizing it, and remembering thankfulness for the things that go right, even if they may not remain. There are certainly enough biblical examples. I just hope that I don't have to live the entire chapter of Job to get to where I'm being guided.

For all the change that I have experienced in myself for the last year, I still am a work in process. I'm a better person now, but there is always something to do, and somethings simply cannot be renewed and revitalized by my will and act alone. I think I am learning that is the hardest part about faith. The acceptance that there really are somethings that you will fall short on and that you have to rely on God to finish, if that is part of the plan. That is where I live right now, and it comes with its own set of issues. Humility becomes a daily staple. I have apologized twice today for two separate things, when I reflected on them because I could see how much they hurt the person involved, who just happens to be the last person in the world I want to hurt, and now that I can see that it has been like that for a while, I begin to understand why things are the way they are, and I can see how much faith it took to deal with it this long. There is a lot to answer for.