Fog, Rainclouds, and Rays of Sunshine

More "Hour of the Wolf" stuff.

I fell asleep watching TV last night, which was probably good. It has been a busy week with lots of long hours here in Chez BiW West (although east doesn't really exist anymore). Sickness, holidays, cub scouts homework, and emotional stuff galore, oh my.

About the same time I started to put the boys down last night, I felt the worst headache I've had in about a decade coming on. I got the boys to bed, turned off all the lights, except for the TV, and lay down on the bed. I woke up at 4 am, and shut the TV off. Ten minutes later, E came out of his room. I asked him what was wrong. Another nightmare. What I wouldn't give to restore his sense of security and soothe the pain he is enduring and feels too proud and confused to honestly discuss with me. I sometimes wonder if he is headed down the same road I walked on for too damn long. He got into bed with me, and told me the whole nightmare. I got the symbolism only too well. I hope he still has his incredible capacity for forgiveness and unconditional love when he is old enough to understand my role in causing the chaos he lives in right now. He finally drifted off to sleep, mercifully, and like a barfly trying to avoid coyote arm, I slowly drew my arm back from under his head, and crept into the bathroom to sit and read for a while. The words, as always, were right, but in these loneliest and quietest hours, they fail to to substitute for even the most basic assurance and comfort...like her slow and steady breaths coming from her side of the bed. Time for that first line of defense, prayer, to be followed by a hot cup of tea, and the catharsis of a clicking keyboard.

I thought that perhaps some progress was obtained this week. Maybe it was, but I spent Thursday Night and Friday morning feeling that it definitely wasn't the case, and generally VERY disrespected. Maybe I deserve that. Maybe I deserve to have the final remnants completely razed, and the foundation scoured out of the soil. a fitting removal of a blot on creation. I have been feeling thankful for the ability to feel the pain of it all. It simply wouldn't have been possible two years ago. Honestly, I'd like to say I'm enjoying every aspect of this adventure that my life has become, but that wouldn't be true. My mood was finally elevated by the reappearance of a friend, but not even that could alleviate my fatigue.

I simply do what I can, and soldier through the rest. I'm excited at the prospect of getting my eye fixed on Wednesday, and being able to see clearly through it for the first time in two years, and not have to deal constantly with the annoyance of glare blindness. Then I need to follow up ASAP with the other one. My trip to Freddy's the other night made it clear to me that even though I see much more clearly with it, the glare from the overhead lights made it almost as difficult to see out of it. The rest will be continuing to change me, to trust God, and that if there can be no restoration, renewal, and growth, that eventually, the collateral damage will fade. I have caused the brightest light I have ever known to grow very dim, and in my weakest moments, that is a very heavy burden to bear.